What I’ve Learned about Marriage and Me

People can change What HAVE I learned about my marriage and myself?  Now that the truth was all out there we could really move forward repairing our marriage.  It took 16 months to get to this point.  Was it worth it? I have to say it was.  Even though much of our marriage had been difficult, the majority of it was good.  We had many bright spots, sweet moments and so much rich history.  Wonderful memories of travel, time with dear friends and family, raising my son.  It’s what kept me going.  At his core, my husband is a good man who got caught up with his ego and other bad habits.  I never would have believed someone his age was capable of the serious changes he had to make, but he was determined and open to new ways of living his life.  I must have known it was there, buried deep, waiting to be excavated.

It still hurt like heck, and I was still guarded, but I could see the light now…we were moving forward.  To be honest, even now, a little over 3 years later, I can feel a bit of heaviness in my heart, but it is a fraction of what it was before.  I am also 99% confident his changes are permanent (I don’t believe anything in life is 100%).  NOW….I could really start finding my Zen without wondering if the sky was going to fall again.

Marriage and Lessons Learned What i’ve learned, part 1:
  • It wasn’t my fault. Although his affairs affected me deeply, they were about him and his shortcomings. I’m far from perfect, but I didn’t deserve what happened. I believed him when we agreed, early in our marriage, that if we were tempted to stray we would come to each other and deal with it together.
  • I learned to ALWAYS listen to my intuition. Period!
  • I am learning to trust again.  Healthy skepticism is good and my motto is, trust but verify.  Husband enjoys this new life of honesty, he finds it a much happier and less stressful way to live.  When he speaks the truth and speaks from his heart, it is less stressful and more meaningful for me too.
  • I am stronger than I ever thought possible. We all are.  We all have that inner strength when we need it.  I have friends and family who’ve had children or grandchildren pass away, husbands or wives die, survived cancer, lost jobs, on and on.  Every…single…one…of these people rose above the calamity to survive and thrive.  We learned the importance of appreciating life and living in the moment.  Life doesn’t stop when tragedy hits us.  Check out this article, I’ll bet you’ll see yourself:  Building Inner Strength; What Does it Means to be Strong by Ran Zilca
  • Meditation is a game changer. I’ve been learning how to meditate for over a year now.  I started around the time I retired from my job as a Juvenile Probation Counselor.   Boy do I wish I knew how effective meditation was when I was still working, I would have practiced it then.  Now I meditate 20 +/- minutes almost every day.  The experts say the real benefits of meditation are off the cushion.  Here’s a great article that explains it better than I could: 8 Ways Meditation Can Improve Your Life by Kristine Crane.  I find that I experience more love, joy & happiness, and I’m calmer than I’ve ever been.  I don’t get as impatient, irritated or frustrated.  I live in the present moment more than any other time in my life. I used to like to wear watches as fashion pieces, but I was also preoccupied about what time it was.  At appointments, or even social engagements I was always looking at my watch thinking about when it would be over and I could leave (part of this is being an introvert).  Not anymore.  Now I get to where I’m going (hopefully on time!) and don’t usually look at a clock until it’s finished.  My life now has richer, deeper and more meaningful experiences since I’ve been meditating and I dumped the watch.
  • People can change. As I said above, I couldn’t imagine my husband could change so deeply and to have it stick!  It shows we can do anything if we’re motivated enough.  I’ve also made many changes, such speaking up for myself more and not just going along to get along.

There is much more I’ve learned and continue to learn every day. Being stagnant is not an option for a fulfilling life no matter what your circumstances are.  We all have challenges and struggles.  So while we’re on this planet learning and growing, let’s support and celebrate each others strength, confidence, talents, and overall awesomeness.  Namaste….

Till next time…
Peace & Love,
D’Alene

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